End of words...

Was going to drop my child for the school bus this morning, when something struck me.  Small children have so much to share!  And they are so open to the idea of sharing.  It could be the smallest of things (from us 'adults' point of view).  How he 'touched' another child with the foot at the Taekwondo class, or another one 'touched' him, to get more points.  Or how he whacked the ball with the cricket/baseball bat at the neighbourhood game yesterday.  Or the latest jokes he heard.  But children are full of beans while sharing such things.

Then why is it that as children get older, they tend to clam up about many aspects of their life.  At the least, they don't seem as enthusiastic while sharing.  Part of it could be due to the emotional (and physical changes) children go through, especially when they enter the teens.  The need to 'keep secrets', perhaps.  But for the other, large part, is it due to a level of 'disconnect' with parents or older relatives.  Seems so, given that many parents/older relatives may tend to try to impose their own worldviews on the children, without first appreciating (or, at least, trying to appreciate) the children's own views.  Though it seems the age gap may be more of a myth than reality. Many children are seen to be closer to their grandparents than parents, for instance.

Is the main factor then the perennial listening ability and skills.  After all, as we ourselves grow older, there is no denying the fact that we tend to become more 'opinionated'.  Coupled with this is the typical mid-life crisis among parents of teenagers, which propel them to try and get traction for their own views over others, at any cost!  So is it this 'controlling' attitude which may be putting off children from openly sharing, while they perhaps feel safer sharing their thoughts with grandparents or other relatives/acquaintances, without the baggage of having to 'conform'?  If so, this puts renewed emphasis on the need to inculcate that most important of skills, ability to just listen, which is so necessary in so many professional pursuits as well.  And not just in the traditional spheres like practicing psychology, but in as diverse arenas as business analysis and internal audit (how the times have changed!).

Which brings us to the theme that while (learning to!) interact with our children in a wholesome way, we may be becoming better persons (and professionals) ourselves.  If only many of us would give adequate importance to our interactions with our children, instead of dismissing it as just an intrusion into our 24x7 professional lives.  Even without filtering such interactions through the scientific prism all the time (which would be a pity and rob the interactions of the essential ingredient of spontaneity), the concepts of transactional analysis can point us towards the associated skills of negotiation, open listening, etc.  Look at it this way: children are perhaps (though maybe not always!) more transparent than people in business settings; so if you can't mould your interactions with children towards win-win solutions, you've hardly any chance of doing the same when confronted with hard-boiled business executives!

But shorn of all business-like jargon, the point is that we should keep enjoying our 'small talk' with children the  best we can.  Who knows when they 'grow up' (suddenly, as it sometimes seems) and stop talking to us except in monosyllables...

Children and truth

Was reading a novel, set in Ireland, about a drug addict, Tony, and his struggle to regain his footing in life.  One of the main characters is his wife Allie (Alisha) who attempts to bring the hubby onto the right path, while taking care of her two sons, one pre-teen and one a toddler.  There is one scene where Allie returns home devastated, having just learnt that Tony, who was off drugs for a few months after rehab, has taken a 'slip' again, after having left home in a huff having quarrelled with her on learning that it was she who had got him thrown out of his job when she first learnt he was an addict (to keep him off money...  a long story).

Once she's home, she starts thanking the old neighbour who's been babysitting her sons (assisted by his own son, a comic TV artist) for a few hours.  But then she's told by the old man (goaded by his son into the 'confession') that he has been pretending to be Santa Claus to her elder son, who's been writing him letters asking for help on all sorts of things (some of which he helps the child with).  This provokes her to full fury - 'How dare he do this to my son' - and she screams at him "Get out...".  She forgets all the favours the old man has been doing for her family (besides babysitting) - protecting her son from local bullies, getting him a car ride with his famous son, etc.  She also goes on to dutifully check, discreetly, whether the old man 'had interfered' with her son (thankfully, not)!

Got me thinking.  Is the commitment to absolute truth really so high in the Western World?  Not being judgmental, but if something like this had happened with one of us, we would probably have brushed it off as an innocuous incident, at most with the remark that at least it gave the child a few days of innocent happiness.  Part of this attitude may be based on the rich Indian tradition of 'pari katha' (or 'roop kahini') fables, narrated by our grandparents and also published, where children were encouraged to delve into the dream world of fairies and kings, learning some good values in the bargain - the Panchatantra tales and Chandamama magazine may be good examples.

But another part may also be based on the Indian philosophy which seems to hold that truth is only what you perceive (there is only one absolute truth: God), and is dependent on circumstances.  Some scholars hold that even the venerable Bhagvad Gita seems to propound this philosophy of a 'context for the truth'.  And the epic Mahabharata has a famous incident where the God incarnate Krishna encourages the eldest Pandava brother Yudhishthira, known as the upholder of absolute truth, to be 'economical with the truth' ("Ashwatthama hata iti gaja") so that the Kaurava commander (and the guru of both clans) Dronacharya could be killed.  Even in our daily life, and perhaps especially when it comes to children, we seem to hold the view that only that part of truth need be shared which would do no harm to anyone, and truth which harms anyone is probably not worth sharing.

Back to the story.  It turns out that the old man's truth (about pretending to be Santa) was the last straw - the child learns during the evening that his mom had been lying to him about his dad being in 'America' (while he was actually in rehab), the mom had been lying to (or at least not sharing the truth with) dad about having had him thrown out of his job, and now this!  Even when the old man tries to explain that the whole thing started when the child presumed he was Santa 'coz he looked like Santa, and that he went along just to keep him out of his lawn (and he didn't pretend to be all powerful: he does tell the child when he asks Santa to keep his dad off drugs that he can't help and his dad has to find the 'magic' in his own heart), he gets no buy in for the argument.  So what's the big issue here?  Why is the old man's lie such a big deal, among all the other lies flying thick and fast?

And what about the effect of the truth on a child?  The story also tells us that Tony took to drugs while in teens because he could not 'fit in', because he was the adopted child of his parents (he keeps arguing with his adoptive mom Tess that it was she who was at fault, not he! - though he also makes up with her later).  Just wondering: would it have been better for Tony to NOT know the truth about his being an adopted child, at least till he gained the wisdom and stability to handle that truth?  Takes us back to the hit '70s Hindi movie 'Kabhi Kabhi' where the adoptive parents of Neetu Singh (Parikshit Sahni & Simi) decide to tell the daughter (ostensibly a teenager) about her adoption and the identity of her real mom (Waheeda Rehman) - a difficult decision (much crying by Simi!), but one taken 'in the best interest of the daughter'.

Of course, there can be two sides to the coin.  Some may say 'Who are you to decide what is the right age to learn the truth?'  Fair point, but don't we as parents make such decisions - as to what is good for our child and what is not - on a day to day basis?  The argument can go on.  But the point that strikes me is the difference in the World-view in this respect between Oriental and Occidental cultures, as pointed out above.  It also has some relation to the importance given in the Western culture to treating children 'with respect' from a young age - an honorable motive but sometimes abused by the recipients of such favour!  Some would say this is treating kids 'with kid gloves'(!) - look at the huge controversy generated by the book 'Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother', even when the author Amy Chua stated later that the book was a kind of self-parody memoir.

There are of course no right or wrong answers to this debate.  Each of us has to take a view based on our own judgment and in the best interest of our children.

A cry!

A high pitched cry!  I froze in my tracks.

It was a busy morning.  After getting my 10-year old ready for school, I'd just opened our front door to unlock the gate (and to get the newspapers, to browse at least the headlines before rushing to get ready for office) when I heard my son's cry.  The first thought that came to mind (like any parent): he may have hurt himself.  A moment later, however, he came bounding up to the door and pointed outside, where a thick fog was billowing.  Oh, so that was the reason for the excited cry.  Quite a relief.  He went on to tell his mom how everything outside was "invisible" (not the first time this season he had seen fog, but not this late in the season).

After the initial reaction, it got me thinking.  When was the last time I myself had such a 'hoopla' moment, or even wonder?  Even simple things like excitement watching (and feeling) first drops of rain...  excitement (fueled by anticipation) at fruits being plucked from a tree using a long twine...  excitement (tinged with apprehension) reading down the school/college results list...  Can't even remember the feeling, the last time it happened.  Slowly, it seems, as we settle down into humdrum everyday life and the years advance, almost all excitement goes out of the life for many of us.  Those who're fond of sport, for instance cricket in India, are blessed in the sense that at least they can get momentary excitement when they watch matches.  For those who're not too fond of cricket et al, like yours truly (though watching World Cup Soccer remains an abiding interest, but alas, a four-yearly affair), even that is not there.

Is excitement good or bad?  For some of course, like those suffering from heart or brain ailments, it may be bad.  I still remember when we were watching the World Cup Cricket '83 finals, and India were on the verge of winning, the TV commentators were advising heart patients to stop watching!  Also, there's something on the waxing and waning levels of adrenaline in blood not being good for heart/blood vessels.  But even medically, I'd guess (and I could be totally wrong) that occasional excitement may not be a very bad thing (at the least, it could 'keep the machine running' i.e. hone our 'fight or flight' instincts!).

But leaving aside the medical aspects, most people may agree that at least a bit of excitement now and then, whether in relations or at work, may help to bring the best out in people.  Sadly, it seems, the daily grind of rushing about, dealing with traffic, grappling with a (usually) tense & competitive work environment, and then housework (and this applies quite a lot, if not equally, to men too) tends to leave our senses totally dull and hardly receptive to any source of 'real' excitement.  On the other hand, the constant stress may be sending misleading 'fight or flight' signals to our body (sometimes keeping it under a constant state of 'excitement'), with adrenaline rushing about and sometimes doing irreparable damage to our body and mind.  So what's the way out?  'Create' some real excitement in daily life?  Easier said than done, contrary to what the self-improvement guides may teach (too much work!).

The least we can do is not to stifle but nurture the sense of wonder and excitement in our children, mostly at things we ourselves now find mundane or everyday.  Who know, if we allow our taut senses the leeway to empathize with the children's feelings in a true manner, we may also be on the way to recapturing some of that wonder and excitement.