Ageing...

Travelling on a vacation with an elderly couple, close relatives, provided some perspectives on the issues besetting ageing in India.

The elderly couple seemed lucky, as typical of their generation, as far as physical support of family members was concerned.  One of them has limited mobility, walking slowly with support of a stick.  Though trying to be as lively as ever, and with the background of a long career in security forces, he was as upright as ever.  

Though naturally not able to accompany the group on some parts of the trip due to limited mobility, he was sporting enough to offer to stay back in the hired vehicle and let others roam.  It was probably equally sporting of others to avoid leaving them behind and instead skip certain destinations, even as the long stretches of road were quite a tortuous experience for everyone and especially so for the elderly couple, what with the 'in season' mad traffic which was standstill for the most part, leading to swollen limbs from sitting in a vehicle for long stretches of time.

But all this got me thinking.  Compared to my generation in India, the previous generation seemed incredibly fortunate, though for them it's matter of fact and nothing special.  Though they may not have been horrified (like their previous generation) if their children had chosen to live separately from them, being aware of energing social realities, there's still the unsaid expectation that the children would look after them in old age just as they had looked after and brought up the children.

In contrast, my generation can hardly expect our children to stay with us beyond a stage.  This is not a lament, just an acknowledgement of reality as it exists now.  Due to education and work exigencies our children, global citizens as they are, are themselves never sure where they'd be at different stages of their life.  

So while most children of ours seem consciencious enough to think about supporting us to the best of their ability, the simple fact is that they may not be able to, frequently.  We're sometimes pleasantly surprised when a child consciously chooses to stay back near(er) to us to the extent they can, while of course not compromising on their education or career prospects.  

So when - and I consciously say 'when' and not 'if and when', as a pointer to the fond hope and confidence - our children offer to support us financially or otherwise, but remotely, it's perhaps incumbent on us to graciously accept such offer and make the best out of it to strengthen the parent-child bonds.  

The other choice is to act petulant and reject such offers, on the ground that the children 'should support' us unconditionally and 'in situ', sometimes even to the detriment of their own education or career prospects!  This'd be extremely 'childish' behaviour, in a reversal of generational roles, in most cases leading to a lot of bitterness all around and potentially even tearing the bonds asunder semi-permanently.

Because let's face it, emotions and feelings are biased by a huge 'recency effect', being determined most often by the complexion of a relationship over the last few years.  Nobody looks back to what someone may've done for him or her decades back! The truth of this would be clear if we're honest enough to look back to our own relationship with our parents.  Did we always treat them with the love and respect they deserved, while disregarding the small niggles in behaviour which are a natural part of an evolving relationship?

So for us it's important to, firstly, keep ourselves as healthy as we possibly can, starting in middle age or earlier, reminding ourselves that, unlike our previous generation, we'd most probably not have our children taking up caregiving responsibilities in our old age.  

As a corollary, it's incumbent to develop hobbies and interests, perhaps jointly with friends and relatives with whom maintaining good relationships is sine qua non anyway.  Amongst interests, travel is probably the best way to keep our mental channels open with wonder and excitement, besides gaining invaluable and progressive perspectives on life and cultures.  But of course ability to travel is affected to a large extent by economic and other considerations, even as our reluctance to travel alone even when we want to may be based more on fear of the unknown rather than any real risks, as in this day and age of tech enabled facilities, any and all services are available at the click or touch.

Which brings us to another facet needing attention at all stages in life but especially in old age - the need to be in tune with technology.  Many of us neglect keeping ourselves up to speed even with normal everyday technology.  I know first hand about seniors who still prefer to come down and go up multiple flights of stairs daily and visit shops to do even essential daily shopping, even while grocery and essentials can be and are delivered at our doorsteps in minutes by quick commerce companies after a few clicks on an app.  Now, we can't deny that at least a part of such daily visits to neighbourhood shops is to keep up traditional links, besides fulfilling the need to at least talk to someone, when children and even friends and relatives are not able to meet that need.  

But being reasonably tech savvy is not a luxury or fad but an essential survival skill these days, for banking, shopping, insurance, health and a host of civic services.  The alternative to this is either to go stand in long queues in inhospitable environments or be dependent on relatives and others to carry through digital transactions which, besides being a hit on self-respect, may also be open to abuse and even fraud.  Even otherwise, it pays to keep oneself aware of the contours of potential pitfalls in cyberspace, essential when it involves one's own money but also in domains like fake news and deep fake videos, to avoid getting caught in fraud and worse.

And while on the subject of travel, if one can't travel in person, those blessed with the hobby of reading and exploration have a relatively inexpensive option to 'go places' virtually, through the printed word or through ebooks, audiobooks and a host of other options.

As for the wider issue of interests, spirituality is also a valid choice for those so inclined.  And while the hoary concept of 'vanaprastha ashram' elucidated in our ancient scriptures is perhaps not fully practical these days, nothing stops someone from persuing spiritual leanings at any stage in life.

Besides all this, one thing to give serious consideration to could be senior living facilities.  With the burgeoning options, driven by the rising number of seniors with means or with supportive children, the stigma attached earlier to the concept of 'old age home' seems on the ebb, though the multitude of unfortunate cases of ungrateful children abandoning their aged parents at hovel-like dwellings is also a reality.

But there are now a number of senior living residences sprinkled across India providing reasonably good services to clientele.  I personally know people who're staying at senior living facility for a decade or more, and are quite happy with their life.  However, in the absence of any active regulatory mechanisms in the sector, selection of an appropriate facility requires very careful evaluation of all relevant factors, especially as it's hardly akin to a one time property purchase transaction, as provisioning of reasonably good level of services on a long term basis is essential.  Besides safety and health aspect of the infrastructure, including emergency and elective health support on need basis, optional services like laundry, cooking or food, wellness and social activities are some of the other aspects to be considered while selecting a senior living facility, necessarily a decision with long term implications.

Of course, a necessary factor in the entire decision to go in for senior living facility may be a certain level of emotional connect and sync between the spouses, if both are planning to opt for it.  Otherwise, if one is willing to adapt to the senior living life, while the companion is pining for the existing level of urban facilities and conveniences and shopping options and more, differences are bound to crop up sooner rather than later.  And this has the potential to actually raise the level of stress instead of leading to a peaceful life as intended, stress which most people may be ill-equipped to handle in their old age.

To sum up, while taking a practical view of things while dealing with the emerging reality of children living separately, whether nearby or on distant shores, we seniors need to maintain positivity till the end of life while taking all necessary steps and life decisions to survive well and not be overly dependent on someone.