Letter from an Irish mother

Another interesting article put up in the McGinty's bar at Holiday Inn Lusaka was the "Letter from an Irish mother" (apparently to her son living somewhere else). It was hillarious, and I did intend to transcribe it, but forgot in all the excitement of the FIFA World Cup Football. A few snatches, as I remember, were: "Your uncle drowned in a vat of whiskey, his coworkers tried to save him, but he fought them all off bravely. They cremated him, and the fire took 3 days to put out" (had his convictions, I suppose!). "I thought I will send some money, but I had already sealed the envelope." (Prescience!?!) "Your sister gave birth to a child, we still don't know a boy or a girl, so we can't tell you whether you are an uncle or an aunt now" (this one is going around on the internet for quite some time). All jolly good for a hearty (Irish-style?) laugh.